5 Words That Broke Me
It was a simple prompt. Meant to spark creativity, reflection and build a deeper connection. Its purpose to get to know the writer a bit better, to understand what makes them who they are, why they do the things they do. But what he got was so much more. Ryder’s teacher wanted to learn about his students. It was a great assignment to do so. What are their likes and dislikes, favorite teams, wishes and desires in life? Sandwiched between “How do I learn best?” and “What’s your favorite sport?” There was the next prompt. I sometimes wish… “That my brother is alive.” Five quiet words that brought me to my knees. I was simply going through his folder after school one day. Completely unaware and unprepared. And now, suddenly unraveled. I cried for days....
seven years, a five year old and hundreds of rainbows
“A coincidence is a small miracle when God chooses to remain anonymous.” – Albert Einstein Kate and Ryder’s birthdays are seven years and two days apart. August 16 and August 18 respectively. Today, on Jackson’s Angel Day, Ryder is the same age, almost to the day, as Kate when her oldest brother died. She was just five-years-old. As the years pass, it’s hard to remember certain things about that day and time that we lost Jackson, but I will never forget Kate’s reaction to losing her best friend. It’s engrained in my head. The deep moans and gut wrenching cry from such a small body still rings in my ears to this day. Her happy, vibrant life changed in an instant. When I look at Ryder and let those memories sink in, I can’t fathom...
my boys
I love my boys. Both stole my heart the first moment our eyes met as the doctor held them over the blue curtain. Three-and-a-half years apart in age, yet they share so many similarities. They are both fair skinned with wispy blond hair. Their smiles light up a room. They have the same chubby little hands that lock perfectly with mine. They both have a cute, button nose and eyes the color of a dark sky before an impending thunderstorm. They love giving kisses through the spindles on the staircase as they head to bed. They adore their big sister and love walking her to the bus stop and getting one more hug before she leaves. And they are giddy with joy as they watch her step off the bus after school. They share the same goofy, nose-scrunching smile when they’re...
juggling joy and grief
It’s amazing to me the power one teeny, tiny baby can have. Not even 20 inches long and weighing less than a sack of potatoes when he was born. Yet this little human is transforming my life. Ryder turned one this week, and from the moment he was born, joy began weaving its way back into our broken lives, and I never thought that would be possible. When Jackson moved to Heaven, I was in a deep, dark place. I struggled. With everything. Grief is heavy. It weighs you down. I constantly juggled being happy for Kate, and not wanting to have any fun because I felt it wasn’t fair to Jackson. I didn’t even simply want to smile because that implies happiness, and I was far from happy. And then August 18 came, and things changed. Giving birth to Ryder, and welcoming him...
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