my three sunshines

A couple of months before Jackson moved to Heaven, Eric and I started talking about possibly having a third child. It was mostly light talk. We were enjoying the kids so much, and both agreed we could see ourselves with another child. The problem we faced was that I have difficult pregnancies. I’m basically sick and nauseous for nine months straight. Neither of us really wanted to go through that part again. So, we were just at the point of daydreaming of what that might look like.

When our world was shattered on April 20, 2013, having another baby was the farthest thing from our thoughts. But several months after Jackson moved to Heaven, my heart started nudging my mind to reconsider having a third child. My heart aches to have Jackson sitting in my arms again; yet, I still have so much love in my heart to give. Eric and I had many difficult conversations. This time around there were a number of other variables to consider.

“Are we ready, emotionally, to do this?”

“Am I stable enough to endure nine months of being sick?”

“Will we both be worried 24/7 after the baby arrives that something will happen?”

“Am I being fair to myself or this baby to have another child? 

I know some of these questions might sound ridiculous to some people, but to a grieving mother, they are valid questions. What I determined though is there are no right or wrong answers to our questions. And it’s never going to feel like the “right” time because Jackson isn’t here with us. But my heart was ready to find a little joy again and for Kate to relish in the happiness of being a big sister.

So, with that being said, Eric and I decided to try to have another child. However, before I started this part of our journey, I gave it all up to God. I prayed that He would guide us and fill our needs. I asked that His will be done and that I have comfort with whatever that may be. I truly felt at peace. If I was going to get pregnant, it was His will. Of course, this was something we both wanted too, but I knew if this was something God wanted for our lives, it would happen.

And I am happy to say, it happened. 

Eric, Kate and I are pleased to announce that Baby Reese will be making his entrance into this world late August.

When we told Kate about the new baby, she squealed. She was, in her own words, “beaming with excitement” the rest of the day. But as we were talking to her, she did something beautiful. She was acting silly and grabbed Eric’s nose, then mine and then she raised her hand up to the sky and said, “I’m doing it to Jackson, too.” It was extremely touching the way she included Jackson in our special moment.

And that’s nothing new for her or for us. We continue to include Jackson in our daily lives, whether it’s talking about him, leaving room for him when we do a “Kate Sandwich” or sharing wonderful memories.

One day Eric said to Kate, “Are you excited to be a big sister again?”

She replied, “Not again, dad. Still.” 

It’s so true. Jackson will always be a member of our family. He will always be my little Buddy. He will always be “Jack” to Eric. He will always be our son and Kate’s little brother. He will always be a grandchild, nephew, Godchild and friend to many. He will and is always with us. Always. 

While this is a happy time for our family, I would be lying if I didn’t say it’s also bittersweet. We want Jackson here to enjoy this new life. We want to watch him grow up and be an amazing big brother. I know he will be watching us from the best seat imaginable. But one thing will never change. Jackson is and always will be a member of this family. Our sweet new addition would never and could never replace Jackson. Baby Reese will grow up knowing he has the greatest big brother watching over him. He will be loved beyond all comprehension by his mom and dad, just like Kate and Jackson are.

The other night I walked into Kate’s room to tuck her into bed. She was singing along to one of her book’s, “You are My Sunshine.” This song, along with “Jesus Loves Me”, was one of the three songs I always sang to Jackson. I sang it to him when he was in the hospital for two months. I sang it to him before bedtime. And I sang it to him as I sat by his bedside and said good-bye in the ER on April 20. I don’t sing those songs anymore because it hurts too much, but I walked into Kate’s room and she was belting out the tune…

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are gray.

You never know dear how much I love you.

Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

When she finished, she said, “Mom, Jackson and Baby Reese are my two sunshines.”

Me, too, Kate. But I have a third. You.