the devil won’t win

the devil won’t win

I ran into a friend the other day, and like the start of most conversations, I casually asked her how things were going. Her response surprised me.

“The devil has been coming at me this week,” she said. “But I’m not letting him win.”

What a powerful statement. I feel like the devil is always knocking on my door. Sometimes it’s a soft “tap tap”. And other times he is banging so hard the door is about fall down. Like two weeks ago…

I was at the bookstore alone and left my phone in the car. I was gone for only five or ten minutes, but when I returned there were several missed calls from Eric and Kate’s school. I knew this was not going to end well.

Kate was injured on the playground. As the school nurse put it, “she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.” She had a pretty nasty cut on her forehead, and the nurse felt I should take her to a doctor. I rushed to school to find my sweet girl crying, bloody and scared. My heart hurt for her. The nurse debriefed me while Kate’s classmates brought us her things. Kate was embarrassed, hurt and ready to just leave.

My kids have never needed stitches or had broken bones before, so I wasn’t sure what my next steps should be…doctor’s office, urgent care or the ER. Kate’s doctor directed me to the ER since the cut was on her face.

I was afraid she was going to say that.

The last time I was in an ER with a child, it was Jackson. This time around, Eric was halfway across the country for work, so I was on my own as I walked Kate through those sliding glass doors.

“Tap. Tap. Tap.”

The staff checked us in very quickly and were told it would just be a few minutes. We settled in on a couch in front of a TV in the hopes some cartoons would distract Kate from the blood and pain. We waited and waited. No one was coming or going, then all of a sudden a mother rushes through the doors with an infant carrier. I couldn’t hear the conversation, but she quickly got her baby out. A nurse with steadfast determination entered the room.

“Where’s the baby?”

The mom handed her the child and they quickly disappeared behind emergency doors. My heart sank and my eyes filled with salty tears. I couldn’t take not knowing, so I asked if everything was okay. (Like, who am I? They weren’t going to tell me anything.) But they did say the child came in very blue and wasn’t breathing well.

“Bang! Bang! Bang!”

Oh I cried. I cried for the scared mom behind those doors. I cried for the helpless baby. And I cried for my family and me as the memories flooded back to almost two years ago when we were rushing into the ER with a helpless baby.

The devil was trying to bust through my door! And I have to be honest. The door was creaking open.

But you know what. After I cried tears of hurt and fear, and once I got Kate home and better, I decided, just like my friend, I’m not letting the devil win.

I could have easily gone into depression these last two years. I could have become a hate-filled, cold, grieving mother. But I didn’t and I won’t. I have too many things to be thankful for and too many things to live for.

As today marks two years Jackson has been in Heaven, I will manage through today and each day. I know Jackson is with Jesus smiling down on me. He is giving me the strength to fight back against the devil and win.

I’m not saying it’s easy. It never will be. There will still be tears. Some days there will be lots of them. But I continue to seek and find the strength that I need in God, my family and friends, to get me through another day. I continue to find joy in my sweet family. And I know, without a doubt, that we will all be reunited one day in Heaven.

This day. These numbers. They will always be difficult for me. But I refuse to let the devil win.  Hope will transcend the negative. Hope will set me free. Because of God’s grace and love, I will make it through. I will be okay. And HOPE will win!

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. – 2 Corinthians 4:16-18


Morning of April 20, 2013