5 Words That Broke Me

It was a simple prompt. Meant to spark creativity, reflection and build a deeper connection. Its purpose to get to know the writer a bit better, to understand what makes them who they are, why they do the things they do. 

But what he got was so much more.

Ryder’s teacher wanted to learn about his students. It was a great assignment to do so. What are their likes and dislikes, favorite teams, wishes and desires in life?

Sandwiched between “How do I learn best?” and “What’s your favorite sport?” There was the next prompt.

I sometimes wish…

“That my brother is alive.“

Five quiet words that brought me to my knees. I was simply going through his folder after school one day. Completely unaware and unprepared. And now, suddenly unraveled. I cried for days.

Our broken hearts are slowly mending after years of missing Jackson, but they’ll never be whole. And every once in a while, something unexpected tears the wound wide open again.

This time it was Ryder’s tender, truthful answer. So simple. So innocent. So raw. 

I waded in a lot of sadness for days. I knew I would pull out of it eventually, but sometimes healing hides in the darkest valleys. The only way through it is to feel it. Really feel it.

But this grief, it was different. It wasn’t just mine. It was my child’s, and his heart aches, too. Even though he and Jackson never met, their bond is real. Stronger than we can see.

Siblings get lost in the grief sometimes. Forgotten hearts because we just assume they are resilient. They’ll be okay. But grief leaves a mark on everyone. Even the ones who came after. 

Ryder asks a lot of questions about Jackson. What did he like? What sports do we think he might have played? Would he have loved the arts or sheep like his sister or been more of a jock like his brother? We take guesses and relish in the pictures in our head of what might have been. 

And still, despite the years and space between them, these two boys, my sons, are tied together by something deeper and stronger than time or memory.

A couple of years ago, Ryder was asking deep questions about Jackson’s death.

“Mom, I would give up my Xbox, TV and videos to have Jackson back. I miss him so much,” he said crying. 

The strength of their bond is deep. The love is real.

Today marks 12 years since Jackson left us. And it’s Easter. 

The promise of Easter sits differently for me now that my child is in Heaven. It’s the reason I keep going. Jesus’ death on the cross and ultimate resurrection days later. It was all for us. So that death wouldn’t be the end. 

Grief and joy are dancing together today. We grieve today missing Jackson fiercely, but we have hope and the promise that this separation is temporary. 

Because yes, Ryder. We wish Jackson were here with us on this side of Heaven, but he is alive. More than we can possibly imagine. 

And one day, we’ll join him and be reunited together. 

Forever.