a life lesson from my six-year-old

I have a necklace that I wear every single day. It has two charms on it. One is oval-shaped and has Jackson’s right thumbprint on the front, and his name and birthday are engraved on the back. The other is an angel wing that a dear friend gave me after Jackson moved to Heaven. I don’t ever take them off.

Yesterday, Kate was staring at my necklace and asked, “Mom, why do you wear that all the time, even in the water?”

“This one is Jackson’s thumbprint. I wear it so that I can feel like he’s with me all the time.”

“Mom, you know he’s with you all the time.”

I just stared at Kate for a minute in silence.

“You’re right, Kate. I love you so much!”

Wow. The life lessons that I learn from my six-year-old are pretty amazing. Sometimes, I feel like it’s actually Jackson talking through her to get to me. She’s right. He’s with me all the time. It’s so easy to forget or lose site of in my grief. But she’s right.

Maybe that’s where I got my strength from to get through Christmas. We took the decorations down and while doing so, I felt relief. Relief that we made it through. There were times when I didn’t know if I could, and quite honestly, I just didn’t want to. I was ready for the earthly Christmas hoopla to be over with before it even started. I just didn’t even want to tread the waters.

The days leading up to Christmas were the worst. The dread. The anxiety. The tears. But something amazing happened Christmas day. I felt strength. I felt the prayers of many holding me up and helping me through the day. There were definitely many tears shed because Jackson wasn’t with us, but when Kate woke me up Christmas morning, I was able to get out of bed with a smile on my face for her. I was able to watch Kate open her presents, and enjoy her excitement, and make memories with her. I felt Jackson by my side, and I felt the prayers of so many. 

It was important to me that we do something Christmas day to recognize Jackson. I think about Jackson all the time, but I wanted to physically do something. So, in the middle of frozen Guthrie Lake, we sent him a lantern. It was a cold, snowy night and watching the golden light shimmer through the snow was breathtaking. As I did the last time we sent Jackson a lantern, I imagined him catching it with his famous grin spread across his face.

On our way home from Christmas in Michigan, we were driving on a two-lane highway. We were behind a truck with a flat-bed trailer. The roads were snowy, and the sky was filled with puffy, dark clouds. Eric was driving 55 mph. I was sitting next to him listening to the radio, and Kate was playing in her seat. I noticed a tiny opening in the clouds that revealed a beautiful, bright blue sky. I pointed it out to Kate because it was so strange to see amidst such a cloudy skyline. I pictured Jackson poking his head through that opening and smiling down on us. 

Not even a minute later, parts from the flat-bed trailer in front of us began bouncing all over the highway. The trailer started swaying violently back and forth, and obviously it was about to disengage from the truck. On its last sway, the trailer broke off from the truck, did a 360, and slammed into a snow bank on the side of the road. 

After catching our breath, Eric investigated in his mind what and how that could have happened. He determined the way that the trailer separated from the truck was best case scenario. It could have been a whole lot worse, and the trailer could have hit a car at dangerous speeds. Eric asked where the opening in the sky was. I pointed to it. He said, “I was thinking of Jackson when you showed that to us.” I told him I was too. 

I know Jackson was with us in that moment, protecting us in a way only he can. I should have known. Just like Kate said…He’s always with us.

This is a video of Jackson last Christmas. This was his favorite toy that Santa brought him. He and Kate played on this slide for countless hours. He loved it.