does it get any easier?
Sigh. Here we are again. In this crappy month of April. On Jackson’s Angel Day. This is a hard day. And I don’t think this particular day will ever be anything but. This is the day, three years ago, that our lives changed. Forever. It’s the day my heart cracked wide open, never to fully heal. It’s the day I realized “it” could happen to me and that tomorrow is not promised to any of us. I hate the month of April with every ounce of my being. And yet I love it with all my heart. How is it possible to feel such vastly different emotions about one thing? It’s a constant tug of war in my heart because it’s the month that took my son away from me, but it also is the month that gave him life. I have an immense sense of gratitude for having Jackson with us for his two...
it’s the little things
Sometimes it’s the smallest acts in life that mean the most. For me, it was yesterday morning, as I was looking out my front window. Kate and her friend were playing with the window markers this weekend, and as I was admiring their brightly colored artwork (and slightly dreading the clean-up of said windows), I saw this. I assumed Kate wrote it because she almost always includes Jackson when she’s writing about the family. But I was a little surprised when I asked her, and she said, “No, Addie did.” Kate’s sweet friend, who barely knew Jackson, included him in their window art. When I saw this, my heart melted. Addie is in our home a lot. Kate would tell you she is one of her best friends. We always talk about Jackson and pictures of him fill our walls. It was...
messy but beautiful
Kate, Ryder and I were hanging out in the kitchen cooking and eating, dancing and singing the other day. Kate discovered a new kids and family radio station, so we had the music blaring through the speakers while we baked some chocolate cupcakes. I love dance parties at our house. They’re typically sporadic, but that’s when the most fun happens. After cracking the last egg, Kate picked up the spoon, flipped it upside down and started singing into her self-made microphone. I followed suit with the jar of balsamic vinegar. And Ryder just danced alongside. We were bopping around to a kids’ version of “All About that Bass” one minute then the next was a song about bag lunches. Kate and I were laughing at some of the lyrics. As we waited for the next song to start,...
a seat for one
I love going school supply shopping. There is something about a new school year and new supplies. They are untouched and unblemished. Fresh. Ready and waiting to be opened and used for the very first time. Blank pages are filled with hope and excitement for the year ahead. Earlier this month, we embarked on the annual trip for Kate’s school supplies. She starts third grade tomorrow (She is growing up too fast, but that’s another post for another day), and it’s a nice, long list we have to fulfill. Last year, I made the mistake and took her a little too late in the summer to avoid the crowds, and everything was picked over. Needless to say, we made the trek a little earlier this year. As we arrived in the store, you couldn’t miss the school supply section. It was...
juggling joy and grief
It’s amazing to me the power one teeny, tiny baby can have. Not even 20 inches long and weighing less than a sack of potatoes when he was born. Yet this little human is transforming my life. Ryder turned one this week, and from the moment he was born, joy began weaving its way back into our broken lives, and I never thought that would be possible. When Jackson moved to Heaven, I was in a deep, dark place. I struggled. With everything. Grief is heavy. It weighs you down. I constantly juggled being happy for Kate, and not wanting to have any fun because I felt it wasn’t fair to Jackson. I didn’t even simply want to smile because that implies happiness, and I was far from happy. And then August 18 came, and things changed. Giving birth to Ryder, and welcoming him...
learning life’s lessons the hard way
There have been and continue to be many lessons scattered along this new path I’m walking. I don’t think lessons are ever easy to learn. Lessons signify change, and I don’t always like change. The lessons in front of me these days are especially hard because I’m learning them at a heavy price – the cost of losing my son. I have to admit, I can be a little stubborn sometimes which is probably why I don’t like learning new things – especially when they are hard. When Eric and I first started dating, he tried to teach me how to play the guitar. Let’s just say, that didn’t last long. I got frustrated because I didn’t pick it up quickly, and I lost my patience. I think I quit after one practice. The lessons these last two years come with a lot push back,...
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