journeying through grief

Grief is an interesting beast. I get through my days. I can’t say that I ever have “good” days because right now, that just doesn’t exist. I cry every day because I miss Jackson. Some days are better than others, but then there are those moments that take me by storm and knock me off my feet. 

I was getting along fine last Sunday morning. We were at church, and I was flipping through the program. They started promoting Palm Fest, which is a very fun family day, the Sunday before Easter. There are lots of games for the kids, a magician, baby sheep to pet and a huge Easter egg hunt. I saw “PALM FEST” in big, bold letters and out of nowhere I just started crying. And it continued all day. 

Why would that make me cry? Some of my favorite memories of Jackson are from that day last year. And I sit here and think, “How am I going to get through that this year for Kate?” She doesn’t deserve to miss such a fun day, but if a flyer about the event is causing me to fall to my knees, how will I handle that day? I’m sure I will be a blubbering mess.

Grief can do that to you. You’re getting along, doing fine. Building your wall back up, and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, there’s one little thing like a piece of paper that causes your world to crumble…again.

Earlier in the week, it was taxes. This year I had to delete Jackson’s name from our list of dependents. That was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I felt like I was erasing his name, like he never existed. I wanted to add a space where I could tell my accountant all about Jackson and what sunshine he brought into this world. I wanted to tell him about his vibrant smile, how he always stuck his tongue out for kisses and how much he loved his Mama. But there wasn’t room for that. With every tap of the keyboard, one disappearing letter at a time, I wept harder.

Grief isn’t just a feeling. It tears you down. It takes an emotional and physical toll on your body. You have to work 200% harder at everything you do. And it doesn’t end. I will never stop grieving Jackson. How could I? If one day your child was taken from your life, never to be seen in this earthly world again, could you ever get over that? I will and am certainly learning to live with grief. But it’s a hole in my heart that will never be filled. It will always be with me.

I had a crazy dream a few nights ago, too weird to share, except for the fact that at one point I was reunited with Jackson. I saw him and then he saw me and a huge smile swept across his face. I knelt down and he just ran into my arms, and we embraced. The peace I felt in that moment, and the peace I felt in my heart when I woke up, was indescribable. To see him and hold him again. I just can’t even explain it. If that’s just an ounce of what it will feel like when I see him in Heaven one day, it will be grand. 

But then, after ingesting the wonderful moment that was but a dream, reality hit. And my heart felt like a one ton weight. Because he’s not here. I can’t hold him in my arms whenever I want. And I miss him with every ounce of my being.

As Kate and I were saying our prayers the other night, we prayed for Jackson. I say the same thing every night. “Jackson, we love you and miss you Buddy, but we know that you are safe and happy in Heaven.” 

Kate said, “Mom, you don’t need to say that.”

“Say what?”

“That he’s safe. We know that because he’s in Heaven.”

How did she get to be so wise? I know he’s safe in Heaven, but I think it just comforts me a little to say it every night. And I know Heaven is so much more than that, too.

A friend of mine texted me the other day just to let me know that she was thinking of me. (Have I mentioned before how blessed I am to be surrounded by amazing friends who are always there for me?) One thing she wrote really hit me. She said, “Love you friend and am lifting you up to the one who loves you most.”

I have to say. I feel pretty darned loved these days. Eric’s unconditional love is amazing. My family’s love is strong, and my friends’ love surrounds me. I feel it. Every day. But to be reminded of the One up above who loves me most. That must be a whole heck of a lot because I already feel incredibly loved. And if He loves me that much, He loves Jackson that much. And it brings a small bit of peace in my heart, for a moment, to be reminded of all the love that surrounds Jackson in Heaven, just as it did when he was here with us…only infinitely greater.