moving forward

“No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. 

After all, you’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds 

like from the inside.” – Unknown

Only six more weeks to go until Baby Reese makes his debut into this world. There are so many emotions racing through my body as the day approaches, and so many decisions to be made. As Eric and I prepare though, it’s different. 

We’re not preparing in the same way we did when our first child entered the world. We had no idea what to expect with our first. We were clueless as most new parents are. They don’t give you all the details in your birthing classes otherwise I think people would run in the other direction! We were filled with excitement and wonder. And the moment we laid eyes on Kate for the first time, our lives were changed forever. We learned in that instant how a parent’s love for a child can exude from your heart with such intensity yet never reach its capacity. 

When it was Jackson’s turn to melt our hearts, we had the same excitement. We were ready for this little bundle of joy to complete our family. Kate was ready for a little brother to love and hold and be her best buddy. But those feelings were also mixed with a little fear for the unknown. Since we learned about Jackson’s heart defect while in utero we had time to mentally prepare for it, but you can never truly prepare emotionally to watch your child endure certain things in the hospital. We considered ourselves blessed that Jackson was born with the specific defect he had because it only required one surgery. We knew he would be okay. And he was. And we were a very happy family of four.

Now with baby number three growing strong inside my belly, we are filled with all those emotions plus so many more. We face fear and anxiety, and are just plain scared. There are decisions to be made this time around that parents just shouldn’t even have to think about, and worries of the unknown that never even crossed our minds before. 

If Jackson was still with us, we would be moving him into a big boy bed and making room for his little brother. Instead, Eric and I have to decide if Baby Reese will sleep in the crib Kate and Jackson used, knowing our last memories, both sweet and horrific, will forever be associated with that bed. Should Jackson’s room continue to be the baby’s room or should we change it so we don’t have to face a multitude of emotions each time we walk in the room? Do we keep the same bedding? Do we buy a regular baby monitor or one of the high-tech video/heart monitors? If Jackson were here, we wouldn’t have all of these questions. You see, Jackson went to sleep in his crib, in his room, in our house, and never woke up. If we kept everything the same, it would be extremely difficult, yet changing anything screams at me that life is moving on without our little boy. And I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.

I know we will have a level of anxiety when our sweet boy enters this world next month and we bring him home. I know I will check on him numerous times day and night to make sure he’s okay. I know it because I already feel it creeping in as the days inch closer to sweet baby’s birth. And unfortunately Kate feels it too. During our nightly prayers a few weeks ago she prayed saying, “…and for baby Reese. That when he’s born he doesn’t die like Jackson did.” I couldn’t even fight back my tears after hearing that. The tears just flowed like a river. Kate should not even have to worry about that, yet she does. We all do.

Unfortunately, this is our reality. BUT, I also know that I have to put my faith and my trust in God. No matter what has happened in the past, I still firmly believe God has a master plan. Even though I hate it, and sometimes I doubt it, I completely trust Him. That is what gets me through Jackson moving to Heaven, and it will also get me through this next stage of our lives.

So, in the end, Eric and I decided that we are changing things up a little in the house. We gave Kate first choice if she wanted to move rooms. I thought that was important that she feels included in the process, but she was content to stay put. However, we are switching the baby room and the guest room around. And a friend graciously offered to let us borrow a crib, which we decided to use.

In the next few days we will disassemble Jackson’s crib to make space for the guest bed. We have hardly touched anything in his room throughout this last year because it’s just too hard. His crib is exactly the way it was when Eric found him unconscious. His two binkies lie untouched, right where they were when he was scooped out of bed. His bunny that he snuggled with while he fell asleep sits alone, waiting to be played with. The sweatshirt he had on that day is draped across one side of the crib, a memory of a boy filled with life wearing it. 

This is so hard for me because there is a certain sense of comfort when I come into Jackson’s room. I do a lot of sitting and rocking and praying. As hard as it is sometimes to do that, it also provides a sense of peace for me. When we break down his bed, my heart will break even more. It’s going to hurt because it symbolizes we’re moving forward with life, and I hate moving forward without Jackson. (One of my friends who unfortunately has lost a child too said it beautifully…”we are moving forward, but we will never move on.” Agreed, Kim.)

I can only handle so much at one time, so for now we’re just moving beds. I can’t bear to open his closet and start going through his clothes or toys yet. That will be saved for another day. I have learned what is too much for me and not to rush my process. I don’t want to do anything that I’m not ready to do yet. 

As we prepare to greet Baby Reese in just a few short weeks, I know with certainty that he is going to bring a lot of joy into our lives. He will be loved beyond measure. I can’t believe in just over a month I will be able to wrap my arms around him and see him face-to-face. Kate, Eric and I will tell him all about his amazing big brother. And who knows, there may be a moment or a day when I decide to open Jackson’s closet and dress baby number three in his clothes or let him play with Jackson’s toys. I know Jackson would want that. But until then, I am moving at a pace that is right for me, and trusting my God every step of the way, no matter how difficult it is.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 

“…Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you 

wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9