my boys

I love my boys. Both stole my heart the first moment our eyes met as the doctor held them over the blue curtain.

Ryder and Jackson

Ryder and Jackson

Three-and-a-half years apart in age, yet they share so many similarities. They are both fair skinned with wispy blond hair. Their smiles light up a room. They have the same chubby little hands that lock perfectly with mine. They both have a cute, button nose and eyes the color of a dark sky before an impending thunderstorm. They love giving kisses through the spindles on the staircase as they head to bed. They adore their big sister and love walking her to the bus stop and getting one more hug before she leaves. And they are giddy with joy as they watch her step off the bus after school. They share the same goofy, nose-scrunching smile when they’re acting silly. These boys love taking Wesley for walks, and feeding her dinner one, single, slow bite at a time. They can’t get enough Facetime with Mimz and Poppa or talking on the phone. Their favorite book is “Trucks Go”. They are readers and climbers, dancers and musicians.

My boys are so much alike, it’s crazy. Sometimes when looking at pictures, Eric and I have to really think about whether it’s Jackson or Ryder.  At certain times when I am holding Ryder, I feel like I’m staring right into Jackson’s eyes.

It amazes me how many similarities the two have, but I recognize they are also quite different. Ryder has a round belly like Santa, a mouth full of teeth and dimples that pull you in. Jackson has an outie belly button and a scar on his chest reminding us how fragile life truly is. Ryder knows what he wants and doesn’t like to hear the word “no”, while Jackson is slightly more laid-back and goes with the flow.

There are many differences between my boys, but the biggest one isn’t in their appearance, and it isn’t their personality. It is not their age or weight either.

The biggest difference between my boys – one is here with me and the other is not.

When I was pregnant with Ryder, and we found out we were having a boy, it scared me. I thought it would be hard to have another son after losing Jackson. And some days it is, but it’s mostly beautiful. I see Jackson living on through Ryder every single day. I have the privilege of enjoying this little person and watching him grow and learn and love, and all the while, I see small bits of his big brother shining through.

Both of my boys are blessings, and blessings are forever.

Jackson and Ryder, three years apart, dying Easter eggs.

Jackson and Ryder, three years apart, dying Easter eggs.








“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” – James 1:17