this too shall pass

I have to admit something.

Ready? 

Here goes…Ryder is not a perfect baby.

There. I said it. 

Don’t get me wrong. He’s wonderful, and beautiful and I love him to pieces. But starting at about seven weeks old, he started crying – ALOT! And pooping – ALOT! And spitting up – ALOT!  

I have created a permanent figure eight indentation in our carpet from circling the downstairs while constantly patting his bottom, ssshhhing and bouncing him. Talk about multi-tasking!

My back is about to break. 

I’m not sure I have one piece of clothing that doesn’t have his smelly, streaky signature. The carpets have even endured Ryder’s spewing wrath. And it’s to the point that I just have to laugh as his spit-up attacks my hair then slowly slides down my chest. I’m sure people are wondering what my new perfume is as they slowly walk in the other direction 🙂

And we’ve had our fair share of sleepless nights, which I completely expect with a newborn. But it’s the constant spitting up in bed, which in turn means changing clothes and sheets, sometimes numerous times a night,  and the painful cries that won’t quit because of severe gas. I feel so helpless.

I don’t think I realized how bad the situation was until a friend came over to visit when Ryder was eight weeks old. She later texted me her apologies for not helping more. She didn’t realize how much I was struggling with him. 

To be honest, I didn’t realize either.

I was trying to enjoy each moment with Ryder. I was trying to keep a positive attitude. But after a month of constant holding, bouncing, shhhhhing and rocking, this mom is tired. 

I made an appointment with his pediatrician to hopefully figure things out. We’ve tried several different kinds of formula – regular, gentle, soy and now the “gold standard” Nutramigen. Nothing seems to be helping. I’ll probably pay our $20 co-pay for the doctor to pat me on the back, give me a hug and tell me to just “Give it time.” I’m sure he still needs to develop certain internal things. Who knows?!

But I’ve been thrown a curve ball that I didn’t see coming! Kate and Jackson weren’t like this. They never had colic. They literally would only cry when they were hungry. When Jackson had stomach issues, they were quickly resolved by switching formula – once. I feel like a deer in the headlights!

I was telling Eric the other day how hard it is. And I’m sad because I’m not getting to enjoy Ryder.    I’m constantly trying to soothe him. I crave those moments when he’s sitting in my lap, we’re playing patty cake, and our eyes just meet. And he smiles. And my heart melts. I’m yearning for those genuine bonding moments with my little guy. I know we’ll create special memories together. I just expected it to happen instantly.

We don’t even do tummy time most days because it’s a constant balancing act of feeding (can’t put him on his tummy right after he eats), crying (can’t put him on his tummy when he’s fussy, which is quite often) and sleeping. When he’s not crying, he’s eating or sleeping.

One of the many things life has taught me in my 37 years is to enjoy every moment, big and small, because we are not promised tomorrow. And I’ve been trying to do that even in these difficult weeks of newborn life. But sometimes just trying to do that is exhausting.

However, I refuse to wish away this stage of Ryder’s life. It flies by too quickly. So, I’m embracing these not so good moments just as I would the easier times. They will pass before I know it, and I’ll be on to worrying about something else (but with a little more sleep). 

As I was reflecting on all of this, Ryder gave me what I needed…some intimate moments that refreshed my mind and spirit.

I think that’s how God works. He gives us these challenging times so that we can truly appreciate the good ones. Sometimes those are just fleeting moments, but it’s up to us to find the joy in our lives and to appreciate those moments.

I guess I’ve known this, but I think its a good thing to be reminded every once in awhile. And my little guy did just that for me. 

I’m sure this is the first of many lessons Ryder will teach me throughout his life.

“Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18