Three Long Months

Three Long Months

Yesterday marked three months. Three long, excruciating months since Jackson left us to be with Jesus. It’s been three months since I last held my baby boy. It’s been three months since I last heard “I love you.” It’s been three months since I last kissed his sweet, soft lips. It’s been three months since I rocked my baby boy, hugged him, fed him, sat with him, played with him, gave him zerberts on his belly button, tickled him, read to him, held his hand, or sang to him. I just still can’t believe it. 

I just shake my head in disbelief. It’s not real. I still sit and hope and pray he’s coming back, but I know he’s not. I miss him so badly. Every ounce of my being hurts from the bottom of my soul. It’s not fair. Life just isn’t fair. He should be here with us.
Every day is a battle for so many different reasons and on so many different levels. Life is just a lot harder these days. Sometimes its just hard to open my eyes in the morning. But I read something in one of my books and it said, “It is up to us either to build from the wreckage of loss or walk away broken and helpless.” Life sucks. Plain and simple. It’s not fair and it sucks. I will miss my baby boy every moment of every day until I see him again. But Eric, Kate and I will be okay. We will rebuild our lives. It will be completely different, and we’d rather have Jackson here, but that’s not an option for us. That’s not the cards that we were dealt. So we will continue to grieve and every day will continue to be a struggle, but one day I will find joy again. It will be a long road, but Jackson would want that. 
Jackson did so much during his short time here on earth that I can’t even imagine all of the things that he is doing in Heaven now. I think about that every day. As a parent, you want to know what your child is doing, and who they are with, all the time. I don’t have that privilege any more. I’m still Jackson’s mom, so of course I still want to know what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with. The only difference is I have to completely trust in what I believe and that he’s up in Heaven, safe from harm and happier than I will ever be here on this earth. 
Even though Jackson was only on this Earth for one year and 364 days, he lived an amazing life. He was a happy, vibrant little boy who did a lot while he was here. I wanted to document some of the things he got to enjoy during his very short life:
went on a cruise to Mexico
swam in the lakes of Michigan and Wisconsin
flew on a plane five times
went to an alligator farm
visited Louisiana several times to see family
toured Chicago
countless boat rides in the lakes
played baby Jesus at Christmas for our church
easter egg hunts
met Santa
rode four-wheelers
picked tangerines on the farm
played in the snow
built forts with Kate
spun around with Kate (she wanted me to include that!)
loved to swing
there are so many other things, too.

I really want to thank everyone for all of your continued love and support. Your thoughts, prayers, emails, calls and messages have meant a lot to us and continue to help us cope through our heartache. We are finding some solace in the overwhelming response to Jackson’s life and are determined to help others with his legacy. Thanks to all of our family, friends and strangers, we are creating the Jackson Reese Endowment Fund at Children’s Hospital that will live on in perpetuity, and grants us the ability to direct how funds are spent. And for the third straight year, we are participating in Briggs and Al’s Run, this September, sponsored by the hospital. We’ve had countless people join our team, JR Hearts, and make donations to support the team. It makes my heart smile because Jackson will never be forgotten, and I’m sure Jackson is smiling down from Heaven knowing that too.

For those who weren’t able to attend Jackson’s service, Eric spoke and did an amazing job of telling people all about Jackson and what kind of child he was. If you didn’t know Jackson before then, you left feeling like you knew him for a lifetime. One of the many things he talked about was the song “Jesus Loves Me”. When Jackson was born and in the hospital for two months, I sang that song to him pretty much every day. The last few months before Jackson passed away, I started singing songs at bedtime to help him go to sleep, and of course, this was the first song I would sing and would sing it several times. Just a couple of weeks before Jackson moved to Heaven, Eric walked in on him singing “Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me.” We were shocked because he wasn’t even two yet. And he was singing the song, clear as day. Do you know how happy that makes me, especially now? That makes this momma so happy because my son, even as young as he was, knew Jesus when he entered Heaven’s gates. As Jackson lay on the hospital bed on his last day with us, I was holding his hand, rubbing his head and singing that song to him. I know he walked up to Jesus and was welcomed into Heaven with my voice as his background music. 
Jesus loves me this I know
For the bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak and He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The bible tells me so.
Posted on Jul 21, 2013