From the Heart
Gray Skies and Sunshine
“Your body is not weak for responding to triggers. It’s remembering.” – Nate Postlethwait I couldn’t breathe. My hands trembled. My body tingled as though tiny bugs were crawling along every inch of my arms and legs. As I walked through the house, the fiery sensation slowly traveled from my stomach, flowing up into my throat finally hitting my burning face. I had never stepped foot in this house before, but my emotions couldn’t handle being there. As my girlfriends and I toured our rental for the week, the hits kept coming. On the...
read moreseven years, a five year old and hundreds of rainbows
“A coincidence is a small miracle when God chooses to remain anonymous.” – Albert Einstein Kate and Ryder’s birthdays are seven years and two days apart. August 16 and August 18 respectively. Today, on Jackson’s Angel Day, Ryder is the same age, almost to the day, as Kate when her oldest brother died. She was just five-years-old. As the years pass, it’s hard to remember certain things about that day and time that we lost Jackson, but I will never forget Kate’s reaction to losing her best friend. It’s engrained in...
read moreThe Rotted Banana Peel
The days were dwindling, and the packing wasn’t near complete. As I sat on the hard linoleum floor with my face buried in the cabinet under the kitchen sink, I couldn’t find it. I packed up the miscellaneous junk, that no matter my best efforts, always accumulated under there. While boxing up garbage bags and cleaning supplies, I was also searching for something important. But with my box now full, and not much left besides the plumbing, I was losing hope. Days before Jackson’s second birthday, he enjoyed snacking on a banana. When he...
read morea birthday gift for Jackson
“They said we could take her back,” I reminded Eric. We hadn’t even owned her for 24 hours, and I was already wanting to back out of the deal. For weeks I had been trying to talk Eric into getting a dog. We were young and only dating, but throughout my childhood, we had a dog as our family pet, and I thought I was ready for that next step. The Humane Society was going to be at the Bonita Lakes Mall, and somehow I managed to talk Eric into driving over there and “just looking” at the animals needing a forever home. Well, it took one second for...
read moretime doesn’t heal everything
Ryder started asking to take swim lessons this winter. Wanting to take advantage of his willingness and desire to learn, I signed him up at the only place offering them during the crazy cold months – our local YMCA. The Y used to be my oasis when Kate and Jackson were young. As a stay-at-home mom, the days can be pretty long with two little ones, especially during our harsh winters. The kids could run and play while momma worked out and regained her sanity. I haven’t frequented the Y since Jackson moved to Heaven. I ended our membership...
read moreDrumroll, please…
When I first started thinking about starting a nonprofit in Jackson’s memory, I did a lot of research. I didn’t know what I was doing or where I should start. I called lawyers for professional advice, I spoke to friends who work in development, and I prayed for guidance. Overall, the feedback I received was positive, but there were a handful of doubters. “If you aren’t raising millions of dollars, it isn’t worth your time,” some told me. Another literally laughed at my goals. And pretty quickly I started second guessing if I should do...
read morejune 10?
When I think about the date, June 10, nothing significant comes to mind. It’s not anyone’s birthday. It’s not a holiday. And I can’t recall anything significant happening on that day. But when I opened Facebook a few weeks ago, a memory popped up reminding me it was one of the happiest days during my 34 years. There weren’t any pictures to jog my memory. It simply read: “Today was the best day of my life!! Welcome home Jackson, welcome home!!!” Six years ago on June 10, 2011, after open heart surgery and almost two months in the Cardiac ICU,...
read morei choose gratitude
I’ve been thinking for weeks about what I would write today on Jackson’s Angel Day. Something inspiring, something that might help others, but I can’t find the words. Not today. Today, I’m tired. Grieving for four years has taken a toll on my body, mind and spirit. I’m not the same person I was before Jackson moved to Heaven. Even though most days I choose joy, the heartache is constant. I can’t brush it aside. I can’t ignore it. I have to allow my body to feel the pain otherwise it would tear me apart. I often read online or hear from others...
read morea long lost gift
On the eve of Jackson’s second birthday, I left the house to go shopping. My lack of planning and busy schedule (like most moms) had me out and about at the last minute searching for birthday presents and party decorations. I wasn’t planning much in the way of gifts. The house was already overflowing with toys, and beautifully wrapped boxes from family and friends lined the mantle waiting for the birthday boy. But I wanted him to open something from us on his special day. I left right after I put Jackson down for his nap. Selfishly I was...
read moretoday we celebrate
Ever since Jackson moved to heaven, I find it hard to celebrate anything. The holidays are hard. Birthdays are hard. Everything is more difficult to get through without him here. But today is different. Today we are celebrating. Eric is graduating today from Marquette University with an Executive Master of Business Administration. To say I am proud of him is an understatement. More than 14 years ago Eric decided he wanted to go back to school and get his Masters. We still lived in Mississippi, and he began taking a couple of prerequisite...
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