messy but beautiful
Kate, Ryder and I were hanging out in the kitchen cooking and eating, dancing and singing the other day. Kate discovered a new kids and family radio station, so we had the music blaring through the speakers while we baked some chocolate cupcakes. I love dance parties at our house. They’re typically sporadic, but that’s when the most fun happens. After cracking the last egg, Kate picked up the spoon, flipped it upside down and started singing into her self-made microphone. I followed suit with the jar of balsamic vinegar. And Ryder just danced alongside. We were bopping around to a kids’ version of “All About that Bass” one minute then the next was a song about bag lunches. Kate and I were laughing at some of the lyrics. As we waited for the next song to start,...
a day to remember
So, you guys…this happened over the weekend! And this… And this…. For the 5th year in a row our family participated in Briggs and Al’s Run for Children’s Hospital. When we first formed our team, Jackson strolled along with us on our three mile walk. But over the years, Al’s Run has become a celebration in memory of our boy. I wish I could adequately put into words what the day was like, but it is truly something you have to experience for yourself. You might think that it would be a difficult day for us. And I have to admit, it does cause a little anxiety the morning of, but I love this day and what it represents. For our family, it is a celebration of Jackson. It’s a day to remember him and honor him and talk freely about him. What...
a seat for one
I love going school supply shopping. There is something about a new school year and new supplies. They are untouched and unblemished. Fresh. Ready and waiting to be opened and used for the very first time. Blank pages are filled with hope and excitement for the year ahead. Earlier this month, we embarked on the annual trip for Kate’s school supplies. She starts third grade tomorrow (She is growing up too fast, but that’s another post for another day), and it’s a nice, long list we have to fulfill. Last year, I made the mistake and took her a little too late in the summer to avoid the crowds, and everything was picked over. Needless to say, we made the trek a little earlier this year. As we arrived in the store, you couldn’t miss the school supply section. It was...
juggling joy and grief
It’s amazing to me the power one teeny, tiny baby can have. Not even 20 inches long and weighing less than a sack of potatoes when he was born. Yet this little human is transforming my life. Ryder turned one this week, and from the moment he was born, joy began weaving its way back into our broken lives, and I never thought that would be possible. When Jackson moved to Heaven, I was in a deep, dark place. I struggled. With everything. Grief is heavy. It weighs you down. I constantly juggled being happy for Kate, and not wanting to have any fun because I felt it wasn’t fair to Jackson. I didn’t even simply want to smile because that implies happiness, and I was far from happy. And then August 18 came, and things changed. Giving birth to Ryder, and welcoming him...
happy 4th birthday, Jackson!
Dear Jackson, Happy 4th birthday!!! I can only imagine what wondrous birthday parties there are in Heaven! Are you celebrating with cake and ice cream like we did two years ago? Did you make a wish and blow out your candles? What did you wish for? I bet Heaven is like one big birthday party all the time! It’s hard to believe that today, on your 4th birthday, you have lived in Heaven longer than you were with us. Jackson, that breaks my heart. When I realized it, Momma fell to her knees and cried. It hurt to my core. Momma hasn’t cried that hard in awhile. It’s just not fair. We didn’t get to have you here with us long enough. But who am I kidding. No amount of time would have been long enough. The two years with you were the best of my life. And I am grateful I...
the devil won’t win
I ran into a friend the other day, and like the start of most conversations, I casually asked her how things were going. Her response surprised me. “The devil has been coming at me this week,” she said. “But I’m not letting him win.” What a powerful statement. I feel like the devil is always knocking on my door. Sometimes it’s a soft “tap tap”. And other times he is banging so hard the door is about fall down. Like two weeks ago… I was at the bookstore alone and left my phone in the car. I was gone for only five or ten minutes, but when I returned there were several missed calls from Eric and Kate’s school. I knew this was not going to end well. Kate was injured on the playground. As the school nurse put it, “she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”...
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