giving thanks
I feel empty. This time of year, that shouldn’t be the case, but when you’ve lost part of your heart, it’s inevitable. I’m making it through this holiday season one step at a time, but it’s hard. My shoes are heavy and filled with so much grief that it makes each step feel like I’m carrying a one ton weight. Obviously, Thanksgiving was tough. Eric, Kate and I were in Louisiana visiting family for the holiday. and everywhere I looked I was reminded that a huge part of our family isn’t with us. I would watch Kate running around with her cousins, and I envisioned Jackson right there with them with a huge smile on his face. He would have been right in the middle of the action doing whatever the big kids were doing. He would have been making them laugh, chasing...
hope
I was sitting in the quiet of my house this morning while Kate slept soundly in my bed, remembering what my mornings used to be. Jackson liked to wake up early. He would call out “Mama, Mama” sometimes around 6:00, sometimes around 4 and often in between. It was difficult to get out of my warm bed, but once I did, I didn’t look back. I would open his door, see his smile and forget all about dreamland. I relished mornings with my buddy, even at the craziest of early mornings. He would usually be sitting in his bed, with all five binkies in hand, waiting for me. We would reach for each other and snuggle for a moment. I would make him return four of the five binkies back to the bed so we wouldn’t lose them. (Yes, I realized he was probably getting a little too...
thank you
Have you ever received a hug from someone that you never wanted to end. The type of hug where they wrap their arms completely around you and squeeze just right. Where you melt in their embrace and feel so loved and protected. Their strength oozing out on you, the warmth of their body enveloping you. I experienced that on Saturday. But it wasn’t one person. Every single second of that day, felt like a big, warm bear hug that I didn’t want to end. It was an emotional day and many tears were shed. But friends and family began reaching out to us Friday night to let us know they were thinking about us. And the tight hug embraced us well into Saturday evening. I have never, ever felt so loved before. Saturday was a big day for our family. It was the third year team JR...
The Invisible String
Sometimes Kate just amazes me. Many times she makes me laugh, worry, shrug my shoulders or smile. But in rare moments, I walk away in awe of the words that have come out of her mouth. In the last three months, many people have asked how Kate is doing. Kate didn’t just lose her brother on April 20, she lost her best friend. Kate and Jackson’s love for each other was cast-iron strong. Their love radiated for each other. She and Jackson were inseparable from the moment they woke up until their heads touched their pillows at night. They built forts, played chase and hide and go seek, read books together, shared snacks, ate popsicles and just genuinely enjoyed each other. Jackson hated to see Kate walk on the school bus in the mornings, but he loved when she came...
Three Long Months
Yesterday marked three months. Three long, excruciating months since Jackson left us to be with Jesus. It’s been three months since I last held my baby boy. It’s been three months since I last heard “I love you.” It’s been three months since I last kissed his sweet, soft lips. It’s been three months since I rocked my baby boy, hugged him, fed him, sat with him, played with him, gave him zerberts on his belly button, tickled him, read to him, held his hand, or sang to him. I just still can’t believe it. I just shake my head in disbelief. It’s not real. I still sit and hope and pray he’s coming back, but I know he’s not. I miss him so badly. Every ounce of my being hurts from the bottom of my soul. It’s not fair. Life just isn’t...
Graduation Day
Monday was a big day for our family. Kate graduated from Kindergarten. We are so extremely proud of her. She has loved every minute of school. In the beginning of the year she jump out of the bus pouting because she wanted to be at school still. (Let’s hope that enthusiasm continues 12 more years.) I don’t think we could have asked for a better school year for Kate. She was blessed with an amazing teacher, and she made many new friends. She worked hard, played hard and learned a lot this last year. But, as wonderful as Monday was, I can’t lie and say it wasn’t bittersweet. Hiding behind my proud smile were salty tears. My heart ached every minute of the ceremony because a huge part of our lives was missing the big day. And as much as I know Jackson was there...
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